Thursday, August 30, 2007

The Nanna: Part 3

It's amazing the wealth of information that you can amass in one short weekend spent with a family member of superior wisdom and an awareness of the general state of the world around her like none other

Such was the knowledge we gained during our weekend with "The Nanna"

Following is the third in a series of a general account of our weekend with The Nanna.

Sunday dawned bright and early with The Nanna waking us just to let us know that time was running out, and we only had 7 hours until our bus left.

Before venturing out, we engage in some more high spirited learning. Here we learn that there are gangs of thugs roaming the streets everywhere these days. Apparently, once they are tired of roaming and menacing, they all stuff themselves into discos and drink themselves silly. And the police don’t do anything about it because they are too busy trying to trap innocent citizens – such as The Nanna – with speeding tickets. The solution to this would soon become clear – forced military service.

We also learn that people really don’t know how to go to war properly these days. Apparently, they bellyache too much and ask for leave to come home due to trivial events. Further inquiry determines that such trivial events can include the death of a close relative or the birth of a child.

So, off we go to the seashore…

On the way (it’s only about eight miles), we discover that motoring just isn’t a pleasure anymore. As a group, we all wonder where all these people could be rushing off to, hell for leather, on a Sunday. Did I mention that the trip was only about eight miles?

As soon as we arrived, it became uncommonly windy and started to rain. But that wasn’t going to stop us. Neither was it going to stop The Nanna from sitting on a bench and eating an ice cream cone. Upon mentioning that I was cold, I learned that it was my fault for not eating enough to keep me warm. Upon resuming our stroll, The Nanna lets us know that in her day, they used to do quite a bit of walking, but that children today don’t know what their legs are for.

And just when we thought we had learned it all, we find out that “they” are always spending our money on something silly. Further inquiry determines that the silly things in question are bike paths.

[Aside from our friend Bernhard: “And who is using these bike paths? Hungarian gypsies of course!”]

Coming soon....the Grande Finale

Sunday, August 26, 2007

American Football

I think Tom Brady kinda looks like a goofy bastard (in the best sense of the word).

Also, are the Patriots the only NFL team that represents a region rather than a state?

Just curious.

Wicked Storms

This is the guy I would like to hang out with in the middle of a tornado:

"I've seen devastation and I've helped clean up, but I've never seen it be me," he said. "I bought a bottle of Jim Beam, and it's in the house. I could really use a sip of that right now."

Monday, August 20, 2007

The Nanna Part 2

The second installation (and if you didn't read the first, just scroll down because I don't have time to do the links and shit...didn't you read the "my husband just had back surgery post"????)

We have a lovely stroll along the water, and at one point I overhear The Nanna asking Adam how he and Peter managed to end up with such useless wives. I later learn that this is because neither my sister nor I have really excelled in the culinary arts.

The Nanna then proposes a pint at the pub. Now we’re getting somewhere. After ½ a pint, I’m starting to warm up to The Nanna’s stories, while Adam is discreetly but furiously texting under the table – no doubt requesting the Royal Navy leave those trapped cavers in Mexico and undertake an emergency extraction from Exeter.

The Nanna soon realizes that we now only have 40 minutes to make it back to the car, and jumps up ready to go. We oblige and are putting on our coats when The Nanna realizes I still have almost ½ a pint left.

“Well, perhaps I should help you with that,” she says as she tips her head back and finishes off my beer for me in three seconds flat.

The next few hours aren’t worth reporting on as The Nanna decided to go home and there was no more fun to be had on our part. Somehow, we managed to while away the hours and then went home, ready for our big Saturday night.

We watched Miss Marple.

Betcha can't wait for the Sunday edition.....

Back to the BeginAgain

Have been absent because husband decided to go and get hisself some back surgery. Recuperating now, but for those of you who know me as decidedly unsentimental, you should have seen me last thu/fri...Nothing but love man

Anyway, thank god I'm over that. Much love to Seth/Jeff for maintaining my sanity! And the tonka truck!

Also, thanks to Jeff and Seth for supplying my latest Nocturnal Admission (following)...makes me think I likely fell asleep before they left, which is kinda rude...but then again, I'm over it.

Friday (the past one) at 1:02 a.m.

"Yeah...ha...ha...(giggling) yeah good stuff"

"aw yeah dingleberry"


I can confirm, or at least assume, that the dingleberry was Jeff.

Friday, August 10, 2007

I usually win

From Found Magazine:

The Nanna Part 1

It's amazing the wealth of information that you can amass in one short weekend spent with a family member of superior wisdom and an awareness of the general state of the world around her like none other

Such was the knowledge we gained during our weekend with "The Nanna"

Following is the first in a series of a general account of our weekend with The Nanna.

After choosing not to heed our taxi driver's warning that we were about to commence on an unusually long trip of almost three miles, we arrive in Pinhoe, Exeter shortly after 11 pm on Friday. George Washington greets us at the door and then proceeds to keep us standing in the doorway for a good 10 to 15 minutes until we manage to sneak past her earlobes and into the living room. Adam refuses the first of eleventy-hundred cups of tea offered to him over the next 40 hours, and we escape to bed shortly thereafter.

Saturday dawns bright and early at 6 a.m. (for The Nanna) and 11 a.m. (for us). The Nanna isn't sure whether to serve us breakfast or lunch and is concerned on our behalf that we might have run out of time to go anywhere or do anything. Over breakfast, The Nanna declares the EEC to be a dictatorship that is trying to ban Bramley apples. We also learn that Hungarian gypsies are also taking over London and nobody’s wallets are safe from the pickpockets.

After breakfast and lots of careful deliberation, we set off for Exeter taking care to avoid all underground parking lots (for obvious reasons) and finally finding an open air lot that's only three miles outside of town. We gallop past the old roman walls of the city (no time to stop because there's only 3 hours left on the meter) and over to the cathedral.

We decide to have a look inside but are quickly hustled back outside as soon as The Nanna sees that the suggested donation of £3.50 per person. (In all honesty, the donation collectors did look rather menacing.) We are led to understand that, while a £2.00 donation is ok, any cathedral asking for £3.50 is really just shooting themselves in the foot. We are then led to understand this several more times as we debate whether or not we have the time to walk five minutes down to the quays with only 2 ½ hours left on the meter.

Next time: We drink beer and The Nanna drives

Read this or else

The beginning of a reading list:

1. Motherless Brooklyn - Jonathon Letham
2. The Peculiar Memories of Thomas Penman - Bruce Robinson
3. The End of Alice - A.M. Homes

I'll be back with about 300 more soon....

Sometimes I like to write letters #1

Had to help out a friend. (I had a great time...)

Dear McCarren Pool Park,

You don’t know me, but I know you, and you are not on my list of favorite places right now. I feel obliged to tell you that I had a most unfortunate evening in your presence last night.

I arrived at your premises both happy and optimistic about a fun evening with the beastie boys ahead of me. When I made the kind and generous offer to go and procure a beverage for myself (and my companions), I trusted that I would be back to shake my groove thing in 10-15 minutes.

And then things took a horrible turn for the worse.

As it turned out, I spent the ENTIRE concert waiting in line for said beverage. Repeat: ENTIRE. I did not manage to meet up with my companions until several minutes after the last encore, only to be promptly kicked out because the show was over.

Fortunately, my companions said that it was a fantastic concert and they had a great time – otherwise I would be bringing far more vehement wrath down upon you.

However, I feel the need for some retribution on your part – or 100,000 air miles from Richard Branson. I trust that you will get back to me whenever you feel like it, and, until then, I will return and poop in your pool whenever I feel like it.

Over and out,

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

July 26th

"Nana likes bacon and eggs"

"Don't we say science not to fuck?"

"You'll be February 13th"

"One potato, two potato, three potato, four. There's a church with a number missing"

July 12th

"midyear applications"

"I've got glitter on my face"

"Bernie, for sure!"

July 11th

"I hate igloos"