Friday, December 26, 2008

Adam's Nocturnal Admission

"Reny, what's more interesting? The chickens in the walls or sleeping in a bed?"


"This is what happens when you buy dog treats and beef jerky on the same shopping trip."

-- Adam, after he ate Reny's dog treats. Which apparently tasted better than the beef jerky.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

What happened to the Kelly I used to know?

I'm starting to buy in to the latest (Tom)Cruise (Spin)Control:

(1) I smiled while reading the recent People cover story.

(2) I watched Mission Impossible III on a plane the other night.

(3) I'm starting to at least consider that he might not be gay or at least not in a long-term relationship with Will Smith.

However, I'm still worried about Suri's nose as she gets older.

I think I need help.

p.s. I also voted on an USmagazine online poll about whether I felt more favorable to him these days. Answer: Yes

I am apparently Britney's #1 Fan

What has happened to me?

Yesterday, I put Circus on repeat. I got away with it for about 20 minutes before Adam realized and cut me off.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

More Brit bits

Someone (let's just call her Shirley) just had a dream the she was teaming up with Justin T to support Britney on her comeback tour. But at the last minute, Shirley and JT decided that Britney just wasn't ready so they just went and danced backstage. And there was a lot of kissing. Wicked!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Guess who's going to see Britney Bitches!

That's right. I'm ready for her big comeback. Friday, March 13th in NJ baby. We really should have bought insurance on those tickets. A lot could go wrong between now and March...for me or Brit.

Oh and Pussycat Dolls opening. Not sure how to process that one. Most likely at the bar.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

The Body makes me forget

I don't know why, but I keep forgetting that JB isn't coming home for xmas....No matter how many times she, or anyone else, keeps telling me.

I have a feeling that I will have my face (reversed ham) pressed against Mel and Chris' window on December 25.

Almost thought of something else

But I'll have to tell you in secret. Please contact me at your earliest convenience if you are in the know.

Over and Under

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Almost thought of somefing

The Grand Ol' Dame of Kelly
She had ten thousand men
She marched them up to the top of the hill
And she marched them down again

And when they were up, they were up
And when they were down, they were down

And when they were only half way up
They pulled their trousers down

I give you this because, as I was walking the dog, I had thought of something I really wanted to say, but by the time I got home I already forgot.

Amuse yourselves while I try to think.

Jen: ask Phil to sing English Country Garden; Maggie only had one...; and Hitler only had one... in the meantime.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

I do like people, really


Best vmail from jb. there was singing and other things. it was pure bodner and I couldn't have asked for anything more. I love you JB!!!

Traynor jukebox interlude: She's a killer queen, dynamite with a laser beam. can't get Queen out of my mind.

adam and trivial pursuit = kelly "no pie" traynor. he is lucky he is adam or he would be in big trouble.

I talked on the phone today. and i don't talk on the phone. to several people. it wasn't that bad. will recover over the next few months.

peace out. reny rules.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

So says Scott

I need another one before I have my first.

That was just a big box of bacon and balls.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Did you know?

That Elvis Presley was a twin?

I didn't.

I wonder if he is dead or alive, Jeff

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Fav headline of the day

Jonas Brothers to star in farting dog movie

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Politics: My Version of Live Blogging

Are you either "My Friend" or "Joe the Plumber" ???

If you are...please go away

Senator O Government wants you to go away now.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Halloween came early

We went to Vermont to see Binnie and Floyd last weekend and went to a haunted corn maze late at night. It was so much fun...I pretty much just screamed my head off throughout the whole thing. You would too if people were jumping out at you in the dark in a giant field of corn.

We tried to go into a fun house at the other end, but after waiting in line for eons and having to stand in the middle of someone's massive fart for an obscene amount of time, we called it quits.

I can't wait to go back next year!!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Shout out to Turkey

Goofy Hitler just popped into my mind. And I laughed and laughed and laughed.

And then I thought of my hero Travis. And I cried and cried and cried.

Good night Dum Dum.

Monday, August 18, 2008

'Cos the S is for Super

Reny is my new dance partner. Dog's got some mad skillz yo.

Our two new fav's:

JJ Fad obviously. Reny takes the super fast rap part, and I do the rest.

And 'I need to praise you' by our own Norman Cook. I play my old part and Reny plays the part previously played by Jeff where we jump and down.


Saturday, August 16, 2008

Cocktails for two

My new fav song from Seth's bro Barclay, which we found the video for

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Binny & Floyd

My old friends Bert and Steve, whom Jeff renamed Binny and Floyd once upon a time, have been located. We lost touch about 7 years ago maybe.

Now, they're living in Vermont and I just went up for the weekend. Vermont is magical. I could live there. Hiking. Camping. Bird Watching. Porch Sitting. Cool as.

We're going back up there in early October for this scary nighttime maze through a corn field, which I am assured is scary as crap. Anyone wanna come with?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Snooze Button

Our little pup Reny woke up and licked (sleeping) Adam's face this morning.

He turned over and mumbled: "My snooze button just licked me in the face"


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Oh No!

Sophia (aka Estelle Getty) has passed away.

Sophia, thank you for being a friend.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

It just keeps getting better....

Joe E. Tata, baby!


Nat's back on new '90210'

LOS ANGELES, California (AP) -- Joe E. Tata is cooking again in the role of Peach Pit diner owner Nat for the new incarnation of "Beverly Hills 90210."

Tata, who was part of the original series that aired from 1990 to 2000 on Fox, said Tuesday he was wrapping up his scenes for the pilot episode of CW's version of the show. The part represents "lightning striking twice," he said.

It's uncertain if his character will remain part of the series, he said.

"The coin's in the air for me," Tata told The Associated Press. "I guess it comes under the heading of magic test: Let's see if the audience still remembers me."

The drama about two high schoolers from the Midwest who move to California and enroll in West Beverly Hills High School debuts September 2.

Other alumni of the first "90210" appearing on the CW show are Jennie Garth, whose character of Kelly Taylor has become a high school guidance counselor, and Tori Spelling as Donna Martin.

Garth ("Dancing with the Stars") will be in several episodes, while Spelling is set for one episode so far, the CW said.

Shannen Doherty reportedly is in talks to return as Brenda Walsh. The network declined to comment on Doherty.

Tata, 71, said he jumped at the chance to bring back Nat, whose diner was the hangout of choice for the "90210" crowd.

Nat Bussichio was "a good guy, always there to help out," Tata said. The actor is still greeted by fans of the drama, sometimes unexpected ones.

"Cops and firefighters say to me, 'I used to watch the show -- I mean, my wife did, or girlfriend.' But they knew more about the show than I did," Tata said, laughing.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Matresses are after me

For the past 5 or 6 days, everywhere I go I see matresses out on the street. Every block I walk the Renegade Master, I pass multiple matresses out on the sidewalk. When I go pick up a sandwhich from work for lunch, I pass people carrying mattresses. When I pass a moving van, they are always loading a mattress.

Is this new mattress season and no one told me?

Dumb Dog is so Dumb...

Keeping with the Match Game theme...

My dog from hell(ish) is trying to eat the hair off the brush I'm trying to brush her with. That can't be a good treat.

In other news, she is now trying to teach the hairbrush (and this laptop) a lesson.

Good times.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Clay Aiken Is Going to Be a Dad

There are no words to express how wrong this is,,20203048,00.html

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Mr Cuckoo Head

Mr Cuckoo Head was our front row live entertainment the other night on a long subway ride home from Harlem to Brooklyn.

As you may well guess, Mr Cuckoo Head (as he called himself) wasn't exactly all there.

He had a big tall cardboard box. With one thing in it. A shiny wrestling belt.

Mr Cuckoo spent a good deal of time reinforcing to us that he knew he was gonna be a wrestler ever since he was in DooDoo Pampers.

I was so sad when he got off the train before us!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

My fox Reny

Got me a dog.

Been waiting to get one against my own good advice for years.

Then went and got me a dog.

(dog = god backwards, another reason god loves me.)

Reny the fox she is and she's adorable.

Come one and all to see her.

Just not all at the same time please.

* Free dog walkers can apply at any time *

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I got game... and burgers

The night started innocently enough.... The monthly meeting of the Burger Club! This month: Shake Shack. In honour of Spring to come but that just wasn't quite there, but it was ok because there were heat lamps.

We get in line to order. We get in line to pick up. And then someone offers us Knicks tickets! So, burger scarfed quickly, taxi hailed, and we're at the Garden. Club seats!

Game good. Waitresses good. Then they bring out the 'cheerleaders' and they're doing that shoot-a-t-shirt-at-the-crowd thing. Seen it many times before and 'eh?'

But all of a sudden, I got the fever for a t-shirt. I got so excited, but what were the chances? And then it happened...

A t-shirt ricocheted off the face of a little kid nearby and landed in my lap!! Mine. So mine. That kid had a giant foam finger (which makes me think of pooping [or not] at Shea Stadium, but that's a story for another time), so what else did he need?

I instantly decided to not feel bad... or look him or his father in the eye and took my prize home.

Have been sleeping in it every night since (without washing it). Decided against Adam's advice to wave it around and yell "suck on it kid" when we ended up across the subway platform from them at the end of the night.

See, god does love me.

Monday, March 31, 2008

Crazy Wendy: the final showdown

The good news: We are finally officially, forever done with her. As Adam put it, we are done, but she will be miserable forever.

So, our lease doesn't technically end until today. But yesterday, we went back one last time to check the mail and pick up some stuff we had left behind.

Imagine our surprise when we entered the place and not only was our stuff not there, but someone else's was. (Strangely enough including a bathtub filled with beer bottles.)

When we confronted Good Ol' Crazy, she acted confused and said there had been workers in and lots of green bags. She then proceeded to walk over to a specific garbage can (out of 5) to check JUST IN CASE and sure enough, there were our clothes.

We had been joking that we should go back and throw a rager just to piss her off..turns out she threw her own party in the meantime.

Some further unpleasantries ensued and then we were out of there for the last time.

Our only regret was that we didn't take a beer for the road!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

My husband has a new career

He's a fartriloquist. Need I say more? I'm always looking over my shoulder for an intruding farter. The one thing we can't agree on is whether fartriloquist should be spelled with one L or two.

Friday, March 21, 2008

I'm baaaack!

Hello me lovelies…It’s been a while.

Firstly, I was away on one of the best holidays evas. I am still mourning that it is over. Me, Adamski, Jenni “Happy Pizza” B, Rita, Phil, and Daniela spent two weeks in Singapore, Cambodia, and Thailand.

I can’t even cull any highlights because there were too many. Although the sea kayak (that I wasn’t in) tipping over was highly entertaining. Phil kicking me in my girly parts in the pool was not. And for a pale, freckly kid who likes Asian food ok but doesn’t love it, I did great! No sunburns or food pukes to report. (I did stick mostly to chicken fried rice.)

Secondly, home again and the big move. There were some unpleasantries exchanged with crazy landlady, some security camera recorded breaches, and we are so out of there. It was a great place but not worth the crazy that was wrought upon us.

We’re still swimming under boxes in the new place, which I would define as having “character.” And by character, I do mean that the whole place slants, there’s not a single right angle in there (including sockets strangely enough), and you can actually take out the individual bricks from the wall (but I wouldn’t recommend it because the place might collapse).

Hope to see you all there sometime soon!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Give me thy wisdom

Do you agree with me that you can't have a non-sequiter as an opening statement? It would have to follow something else to make it a non-sequiter right?

I'm sorry if this is too much thinking.

The Dutch Oven

In the same vein as Jeff asking questions but never providing the answer: does anyone know why a dutch oven is so named? Please let me know your theories.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Ladies, we can now rest easy

Link to full 3 minute video below

On the brighter side of life

Here are the positives that can come out of this move:
  1. We saw a frosty-the-tiger GRRREAT place last night.
  2. It's about 100 feet away from The Farm.
  3. The red tin is bound to re-appear at some point in the stages of moving, right?
  4. No CRAZY landlady anymore.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Out damn spot!

Ater all this time, I can't believe I never blogged about the crazy landlady. So many good stories, but most of you probably already know them.

But last night, we were served notice.

That's right. As we were showing our superbowl guests out [smoking a cigarette], Crazy Wendy came up to us and informed us that she wasn't renewing our lease.

Why you ask? So did we.

a) We smoke. In the back of the garden as agreed to with Crazy Wendy.
b) We don't do enough to upkeep the garden. In the dead of winter. With snow on the ground.
c) We don't check the communal mailbox often enough.
d) It's just not working out.

So, we leave in 2 weeks for a glorious 2 week holiday. Come back. And have to be out 2 weeks later. Good times!

The real sucky part is that I love this apartment.

: (

Monday, January 28, 2008

Sometimes I like to write letters #2

Dear Amtrak,

I'm writing to let you know of my displeasure (and that of others seated around me) during a train ride I took on Amtrak the other day from Hudson to NYC.

It appears that someone made the most unwise decision to close down the bar car on this train several months ago. I was therefore forced to sit in my seat, and with nothing to do, I fell asleep. And snored. Really loudly. The whole way home. And really annoyed a lot of people.

Had the bar car been open, none of this would have happened. Because I would have been there drinking. I can't imagine that this decision was made with cost savings in mind given how badly you rip everyone off for these products.

I demand that you open the car again last week. If you do not, I might not be able to go visit my friends anymore.

Thank you.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Burleque is born

An amusing series of wrong word speak over bacon butties this morning resulted in a new venture for Adam and I.

I was trying to remember what Dita von Teese's "career" was and then there was some words that were hard.

And then "Burleque" was born.

Barbecue served to people while they watch burlesque dancers.

And we're calling it Adam's Rib.

Burleque b*tches!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Watering the dog

Not to get too serious on you, but I already had a few concerns about this practice to begin with.

And Sunday Brunch with my sister left me with no doubts.

Her golden retriever just got fitted with one of those doofy plastic collars that stops him from licking, biting, or chewing some offending body part. Or as my sister likes to call it, an Elizabethan Collar.

Problem is that he can't get at his water bowl with said collar in the way, so sister decided to pour water into his collar just to help him out.

Resulting in her waterboarding her own dog.

Nice job.

Friday, January 4, 2008

I went down a manhole

Seriously. I climbed down a manhole in the middle of a busy intersection in Brooklyn and it was awesome.

Apparently, back in the early 1800's when trains would arrive in Brooklyn carrying freight from Boston, they kept running over pedestrians because trains didn't have brakes back then. The solution was to build an underground tunnel (the world's first) where the train could run out of steam in a safer manner.

Cut to the mid 1800's and there were politics and development and something about the pine barrens, and the tunnel was supposed to have been filled in and closed forever. But the owner went for a short cut and just sealed off both ends.

For the past 150 some years there have been rumours aplenty about said tunnel. The mob was storing dead bodies down there and the FBI even went down during World War I when they thought the germans were manufacturing mustard gas down there.

It's location wasn't publicly known but endlessly searched for for years until some dude found it in the 80's. Now he does tours down there and learns you all the stuff I write above and more. It was really really cool.

I had pics that were supposed to go with this, but they got deleted. Bummer.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Do you want some pizza?

This was what some guy asked me on the subway platform the other day. Herein follows the conversation (mostly one-sided) that ensued as others watched and enjoyed:

Me: No thanks
Him: But I just got a new job today
Me: Nod happily
Him: And I even forgot to wear socks (pulls up pants to show bare ankles)
Him: You know Lennox Lewis?
Me: Uh-huh
My dad used to get all the fights on pay per view. He's my hero.
[brief interlude on Lennox that I couldn't quite grasp]
Him: Are you married? I'm looking for a companion.
Him: Once I found out I got the job, I went and bought flowers and took them back and threw them everywhere.
Him: Then they told me that I can't drink on the job. But I don't think so. If anyone come visit me, I will have a drink for them
Me: Still nodding and occasionally high fiving with him
Him: Once I get my vouchers, I'll be cool. It's very important to get that done.
Me: I agree
Him: Actually, everything in life is important.
Me: I agree
Him: Once I get my vouchers, I can stop drinking, but until then I can't live off my job alone.
Me: Amen brother.

End Scene